


To set off a million dreams

by dark_blue_Iris



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 20:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14655468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_blue_Iris/pseuds/dark_blue_Iris
Summary: Phineas and Charity grew up together and they're each other's perfect second half, but maybe a second half is not enough. When Jenny crosses the Atlantic, she has no idea how many lives will be turned upside down as soon as she reaches the New World.





	1. Chapter 1

'Everybody knows her, you just said so yourself.'

'But I don't know her personal- '

'She's a person!'

Jenny turned back curiously, and they fell silent. The younger man stepped closer and unwillingly nodded.

‘Miss Lind, my name is Philip Carlyle, and' – he looked at his companion, embarrassed and blaming – ‘this extraordinary gentleman next to me is – ‘

‘Phineas Taylor Barnum, the pleasure is mine.' He kissed the woman’s hand and looked into her eyes. Jenny has never seen such a wide smile before, except on little children's face. She hasn't seen a smile so natural since she left the continent. Only then realised she what he said.

‘Of course, you're the American, I believe I might have heard of you.'

He looked surprised.

‘Oh, well, if I'm heard of all the way over here, I must be doing something right.' Jenny couldn't decide whether he was joking or he was serious, so she replied in the same manner.

‘That, or something very wrong.' She remembered the headlines of the American newspapers, half of them praising, the other half cursing this man. She knew that all she had was this few minutes to make up her mind about him.

‘Hah, in the world of publicity there is hardly a difference.' He kept on smiling. He apparently enjoyed their little battle of words, after all, Jenny thought, that's the most exciting thing one can do here, in the English court. 

‘I believe those are the words of a scoundrel, Mr Barnum.' Well, maybe this was too harsh, she thought.

‘A showman, Miss Lind, just a showman, the best on my side of the Atlantic.'

Oh, how he said "showman"! Serious, proud, enthusiastic! It brings such a joy, to see someone being enthusiastic about what they do, she wondered, and yet it is so rare.

‘If you just say so yourself.' She looked at him with as an apologising smile, offering peace.

‘I do,' he said proudly ‘but I don't have to.' He elbowed Carlyle's arm, who looked puzzled for a moment before he joined in.

‘Oh no, no, he is one of the best – ‘ It was like in a comedy. Jenny genuinely enjoyed this conversation more than any she had in the last two months since she was in England. An Englishman would never act this naturally, she thought.

‘That's very kind of you,' Barnum cut him off. ‘Miss Lind, let me get to the point. I'd like to take you to New York. And if you agree, I could make you the most famous singer not in Europe, but in the entire world.'

Now, that surprised her. New York. He would take her to New York, with this warm, wide smile, these sparkling eyes. He would take her to New York, just like that. However, an annoying voice inside her head warned her; what if that's just a business to him? She couldn't stand businessmen who don't even care what they're selling as long as someone is paying for it. Especially if that thing was her.

‘Ah, and have you heard me sing?' she tried to ask as carelessly as she could, although she felt like this particular answer was to decide everything.

‘No.'

‘Absolutely,' Carlyle replied at the same time, looking at Barnum. He tried to save this, us maybe, Jenny thought, but it was hopeless.

‘No, I haven't.' Mr Barnum raised his voice. ‘But like mine, your reputation precedes you, and I trust your reputation more than my own taste, so – ‘

Jenny couldn't help smiling. At that moment, she deeply understood the struggle of all journalists who had to form an opinion about Mr Barnum. When it comes to someone like him, so honest and straightforward the world can't judge. ‘What can I lose, after all?’ she thought. 

‘I have never been to America,' she replied.

‘You'll sing in the grandest theatre with the finest orchestra in the greatest city on Earth. Jenny Lind, one night only. Maybe two.' I laughed, and that put him at ease. ‘And at twenty percent at the gate, it will be a queen's revenue for your reference.’

'I give most of my earnings to charity, Mr Barnum. To the orphans and widows.'

'Voice of a nightingale, a heart of an angel,' Philip said ceremoniously, as he was reading a poster. She rather just smiled politely.

'That's brilliant.' Barnum suddenly seemed very excited. 'I mean, the press will be crazy for that story.' Definitely one of those hateful businessmen, she thought, despite all the honesty and his handsome smile.

'Oh, that's not a story,' Jenny replied. She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes. 'May I ask you, Mr Barnum?'

'Anything.' He seemed a bit alarmed, yet those polite, willing eyes!

'Why me?'

They both looked surprised. Barnum looked at her and she could see on his face that he was thinking hard, carefully choosing the right words to use.

'People come to my show for the pleasure of being houdinied.' he answered slowly 'Just once, I'd like to give them something real.'

And there was he, Jenny thought. Finally, the masks had fallen off. It wasn't really the money he cared about. It was to give something to the people, to this world. She smiled at him, relieved, happily. Oh no, he wasn't the businessman he pretended being only to earn a place in this world of the elite. He was really a showman.


	2. Chapter 2

Jenny realized that she has to accept that travelling through the Atlantic Ocean is not as adventurous as she has believed. The weather was nice and except a few smaller storms and windy days, the ocean looked the same all the time.

She spent nearly every day with Barnum. They met at the breakfast where he often told her about his dreams which the singer found curious and amusing. Jenny spent most of her day at the library of the ship, and however hard she tried she couldn't raise any interest in him towards reading. Barnum always told her that papers bore him and that he could find out way more interesting stories for himself than those in the novels. Nevertheless, he always accompanied her. They sat in the grandiose sofas all day. He never opened a book, only read the newspapers. As the weeks passed, there were fewer and fewer papers that he hadn't read, and the news also became more and more obsolete.

After he told her how he made "inventions" for her daughters, Jenny looked up a book about inventors and their machines - Phineas was buried in the book all day long, always looking up and explaining her some of the drawings in excitement, then turned a page and read further, murmuring quietly. She watched him over the edge of her book, as he raised his eyebrows, then pulled his pointing finger over the plans, eager to understand their mechanism. That evening, at dinner, he tried to build something out of the cutlery, the candlestick and some toothpick. He became more and more enthusiastic, and she laughed as he picked up her fork and knife to assembly it to his building. After all, nothing turned out of it, so they spent the evening trying to find out what his new invention could be used for, sitting next to each other on the sofa in the library. He opened the heavy book about the machines again, put it on her lap, and he went on explaining all those cogwheels and pumps. He laid over the book and Jenny couldn’t help holding her breath. Their foreheads almost touched. She could smell the smokey scent of his hair, her eyes followed his strong arms over the paper, gentle touches on the detailed illustrations as he pointed at them.

About half an hour later he put the book aside. It was late, past midnight. He went to the newspaper stand, and after a few minutes came back with a broadsheet, that he handed to her.

'Is it Swedish?' he asked. She looked at him in surprise, then looked at the headline.

'I think it might be Dutch,’ she said hesitatingly and searched the top of the paper for printing data, but he took the newspaper, jumped back to the stand and continued searching. She watched him with a smile on her face.

'What do you find?' she asked him.

'Oh, everything. Here's a financial paper from India. An Edinburgh paper - oh, I've read this, it's boring. A Canadian fashion magazine?' He held it up, offering it to me, but I shook my head. 'Okay, then... The biggest news from Turkey, not so fresh news from Peru - ' she recognised his Humbug Prince voice and knew he had no idea about the languages of the papers. 'Exciting news from Russia!' he waved the broadsheet over his head, like a newsboy. She laughed, and he looked at the front of the paper. 'Or it could be Greek. Maybe Chinese?' He grabbed up a bunch of them finally, and put it on the sofa, between them. He sat back.

'Look, it's French.' She pulled out one from the pile and read out loud the headline.

'Go on, please.' Phineas laid back on the couch. She felt that he watched her closely as she read the first few paragraphs. She looked up at him. 

'What is it about?' he asked. She didn't understand, why he asked it, and he must have realised her confusion because he explained:

'I don't speak French.'

Jenny shivered. He just wanted to hear me reading, she thought, regardless of what she was reading. It made her somehow feel glad and safe.

'My mother taught me French when I was little,' she said.

He picked up one of the papers and looked at it, somehow nostalgic.

'I was a newsboy after my father died. He was a tailor. I used to help him, went with him to the customers into their big villas. That's how I met Charity. My father worked for her father.'

He already told Jenny a lot about his wife, Charity and their daughters, Caroline and Helen, but she had a feeling that this time it was different. He spoke with such love in his voice, so caring when he said his wife's name - it made her feel lonely, pushed out of his world, all of the worlds, like a cold and invisible wall had just been built between her and all the love in this world. She looked at him. He was looking in the air, a faint smile lingering on his lips, as he reminisced. The emptiness in her ached. She longed for an honest smile, a gentle touch, some nice words. From him, oh, why only from him?

The frozen, silent and otherworldly moment broke as he looked at the paper in his hand again.

'So you speak English, French, Swedish...'

'And German,' she answered quietly. 'And a bit of Italian, but only as much as it's necessary when you sing in Italian.'

They both felt that something changed at the moment before and they were scared of it. They escaped back to the chatting norms.

'Here' he gave her a German newspaper. 'Read me, please.' And so she read for him, for more than an hour, and he listened, only to her voice, not to the words. It felt strange, that someone listened to her voice like this when she wasn't singing. She felt exposed. But she didn't mind it, as long as she could sit next to him in the empty library in the dim light, past midnight, and he was watching her with those warm dark eyes. This, she thought, could be how people feel when they have a family. And she looked up mid-sentence and as their glance met for a second, tears ran into her eyes. She has never felt this close to anyone. This was the closest thing she has ever known, to a family.


	3. Chapter 3

Charity could see that Phineas was thrilled since the afternoon. The family barely finished lunch when he became first nervous, then delighted, then nervous again. He was unbearable at these hours, he was rushing around the house, called for O'Malley, visited the hotel of Miss Lind, came home, only to go to the concert hall a half hour later. He wanted to make sure everything was settled, everything was prepared for the first concert of the Nightingale. Charity dressed up the girls and made their hair, then let them play a little before Phineas arrived back with the carriage, and they left for the concert.

Phin asked the carter to drop them at the corner before, which was a wise idea, as Charity later realized, considering the crowd before the entrance of the hall. He stopped in the middle of the square and looked around with a radiant smile.

'Everyone is here. Look at this!' He was as happy as a little boy, like when he explored the abandoned house with her. He grabbed her hand like he did when he pulled her through the bush every time they got to the house, holding her hand with a strong but gentle grip. Cheered up by the memories, she couldn't help kissing him.

'Are you happy?' she asked, his eyes told her the obvious answer though.

'I will be if this works.' He was happy, and probably she was the only one who could wholly understand all the work he had put into this, to get these classes here, how hard he worked to belong to these people who swarmed around them in flashy dresses and way too expensive coats.

'Oh god, I hope she can sing.' He said and Charity laughed and they joined the crowd towards the entrance.

Phineas went backstage to prepare for opening the concert, Charity went up with the girls to their box. The girls were fascinated by the golden reliefs, the enormous curtains, the glamorous dresses of the audience. Charity looked at everything they pointed at, commenting on their discoveries. She enjoyed watching them exploring a world with an eye so open to wonder. Very few people can keep this openness to the world as they grow up, she thought, and she was thinking of her favourite of those few. Although she was sure that Phineas can handle this evening, that he'll be able to charm this audience just as he did with any other, she was so nervous it caused her difficulties to sit calmly.

The lights dimmed, the curtain moved, and Phineas appeared on the stage in a small round of light.

'Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your patience.' The audience silenced for a blink of time, then Charity heard murmurs rising from all over the concert hall. He looked around unsure and suddenly lost all his self-confidence. His gaze found hers, and she nodded to him encouragingly. She will always be there for him, as she has always been. He gained his voice back, turned back to the audience and continued.

'I recently had the privilege of hearing the most divine voice I've ever heard. Now I know that sounds Barnum Humbug, -' Caroline looked nervous, she was old enough to understand what a murmur of the audience meant. Charity took her hand in hers. '-but I have a hundred bottles of good champagne on ice that says that isn't just another sight show.' He looked around in the hall. He couldn't win them this time so easily. He sighed, with a sigh of a broken dream which her wife knew too well. However, she also knew that he'll get up on his feet with a new plan tomorrow. It was hurtful though, after all the work and money and time and hope he put into this evening.

'May I present the Swedish Nightingale, Miss Jenny Lind.' And with a bitter smile, he left the stage. Charity’s heart was aching for him, but the excitement of the audience took her in as the curtains parted.

There she stood, the woman who had filled the Scala a dozen times. During the first sounds of music, she looked around with an intense gaze. Charity looked at her daughters, they were absolutely carried away already by the sparkling, dazzling white dress of the singer. Caroline looked at her mother and she smiled back, her thoughts were still with Phineas though.

She started singing. Her voice was full, round, clear and mysterious at the same time. Charity was breathless for a few seconds. 

She stood there with such grace one would think it is unimaginable that someone standing still could be so graceful. Yet, she was beautiful, no, not really pretty but her elegance gave her a beauty much deeper and more intense than any face could wear. Her words wrapped around the audience, her voice wrapped Charity around like a warm, loving hug. Every movement of the singer sharpened her senses. She was like a vision, like a dream, so otherworldly, so flawless. And Charity - not just her, of course, the whole audience as she later realised - dived in this vision, she wanted to keep every moment of it in her memory, in her heart. _Will you share this with me, 'cause darling without you…_  The song became more forceful, her voice even brighter. It was impossible for Charity to draw away her eyes from her, not that she wanted to. 

There was something indescribable in her presence, she thought. Honest. Gentle. Empowering.

Painful.

The pain of the soul in its most beautiful form.

Charity felt an urge to touch her hand. To make sure she has everything in life she needs. She wanted to be able to give her comfort. Jenny Lind. The name filled her head. Jenny. She conquered every sound and silence of the song. Charity wished it never ended. She had a lump in her throat. To stop the tears running into her eyes, she pulled her gaze away from the dazzling figure on the stage.

She saw Phineas at the side of the stage. His face was lit. By the lights of the stage. And by his undeniable expression. ‘Gratitude, for sure. And love, just as obviously. He never looked at me like this, this is different.’ Thoughts were running around in her head. ‘But weren't we all looking at her like that since the curtains went up? Almost like that?’

The singer reached the climax of the song with a voice fuller, stronger, brighter than she has ever heard.

Then silence.

She felt broken, betrayed, unsure. 'This look is only for this moment,' she thought, 'he is enthusiastic. He is delighted. The evening will work, after all.' His happiness made her happy as well, just as always. 

Charity managed to calm down her thoughts.

There was silence. No one dared or could have made any movement, make any noise. Even the conductor's arms froze in the middle of his move up in the air.

Miss Lind seemed a bit scared for a second, as she has just realised the effect her song and her voice had on the audience. As it hadn't been entirely her. Charity felt like she looked up in her direction like Phineas did a few minutes before.

Then she finished the song, quietly. Charity shivered.

The audience was shocked by this magic. For a few moments no one breathed, then suddenly everyone was clapping, cheering. She bowed gracefully, like a little bird on a twig, then she held up her face towards the ovation.

Charity didn't want to spend any more thoughts on Phineas's expression. She jumped up and joined the ovation of the people.


	4. Chapter 4

It took Charity some time to find Phineas on the party after the concert. She manoeuvred through the jungle of the fancy dresses, holding Helen's and Caroline's hand. She could get a glimpse of his smile for seconds here and there, but everyone wanted to meet him and he had to greet everyone. Once his eyes met Charity’s, and he hurried towards his wife with a huge triumphant smile shining on his face. He touched her arm, smiled at the girls.

'Look at this! It worked!' His happiness brightened her face.

'Yes, it did.' She laughed.

'Oh, wait a minute, let me introduce you.' And he dived back into the sea of the crowd, to bring to the surface its most precious pearl.

'Jenny, this is my wife Charity, and these are my girls.'

Jenny Lind was standing there front of her. She nodded warmly, smiled at her. Her beauty struck Charity. Her eyes had the coolest blue colour she has ever seen.

Jenny turned to the girls immediately which surprised her because everyone else here looked through them.

'Of course, I've heard so much about you.' she said and looked at Caroline. 'Your father tells me you're a fan of the ballet.' She looked up at Charity for a moment, and then at Phineas. Charity tried not to stare at her, but her eyes always wandered back to Jenny.

'Yes, I'm studying ballet,' Caroline answered.

'Are you?'

'Of course, I am.'

'And what about you, Helen?'

She knew our daughter's names, Charity surprised. She treated them as equals. This happened so rarely that it would have surprised Charity anyway, especially from someone like her, rich and famous and upper class.

'You look like a princess, Madam.,' Helen said, and she dropped her head back and laughed and Phineas laughed as well and Charity laughed too because what Helen said about Miss Lind was dangerously similar to her own thoughts about her.

***

Half an hour later.

She was drifting after Caroline and Helen who became more and more tired and bored on the party. ‘For myself,’ she thought, ‘even if the girls wouldn't been here, I couldn't have started a conversation with anyone. I am just a wife, at best case. The worst case are those people who know my parents and look at me with a look that says: “You were meant to belong here, but you threw it all away. How ungrateful. How horrible.” Well, it’s better than spending all my evenings on parties like this.’

The girls were playing with some decoration when she heard Phineas's voice.

'I'd like you to meet Charity's parents. Mr and Mrs Hallett.'

She turned around in an instant. Oh, please, don't. But it was too late.

'Ah, a pleasure. Nice to meet you.' She heard Jenny's crystal voice.

Charity stepped closer, pulling Caroline and Helen after her.

'Mother,' she said. She knew that the fear and embarrassment in her voice were obvious.

Her mother looked at her with surprise.

'Hello, dear.' Mrs Hallett looked at her with the same longing she felt after her mother. She missed her mother badly when she got past her anger about her father. And there was he. He didn't even look at her daughter directly, just from the corner of his eye and coughed something which she couldn't call a greeting even with the best intentions. Her mother's eyes wandered to the girls, who were standing before their mum embarrassedly.

'Are these?'

'Yes, those are your granddaughters,' Phineas answered. ‘How couldn't he feel that it was all wrong?’ Charity wondered.

'Phineas, not here,' she begged quietly.

But he wouldn't stop, of course. He was drunk with the success of the night. He provoked her father. She put her hands on the girl's shoulder and went toward the gate. She heard Phineas call her name, first commandingly, then pleadingly. She didn't look up at him. Jenny started a toast in the sudden silence.

She sat in a cart with the girls and headed home. She was just looking out through the window in silence. She felt Caroline's and Helen's scared gaze on her, then they started whispering to each other. Charity wanted to comfort them, she knew she had to explain it to them, but she couldn't yet. Not until they get home. 

***

Jenny was relieved when the Halletts left, but then everyone looked at them, the room fell into silence, Charity hurried out and Phineas tried to stop his wife and despite the fact that the three - was it four? - glasses of champagne went into her head, Jenny knew the disaster was close.

She grabbed a bottle, filled her glass and broke the silence.

'Well, Phineas, I believe I told you that free champagne is a recipe for disaster.' As she raised her voice she realised that she was tipsy. She cursed quietly (but at least in Swedish).

'Now would everyone please raise their glasses to Mr Barnum - ' she looked at Phineas who looked after Charity with a miserable puppy face '-who has shown once and for all that a man's station is limited only by his imagination.'

The people seemed to forget the incident in a blink of an eye and greeted Phineas cheerfully. He broke out of his frozenness and thanked the people. Jenny looked after Charity, but she was already gone, she realised with a faint sadness. She seemed really nice, she thought.

Suddenly Phineas was next to her.

'Thank you,' he said as he looked into Jenny’s eyes. The world turned around her within a second as she remembered how he looked at her on the stage. She has to be careful, very careful. And yet, her stupid tipsy head had other plans.

'It's hard to understand wealth and privilege when you born into it.' Phineas laughed uncomfortably, he clearly wanted to drop the topic and she should have, she thought, oh, how she should have.

'I sometimes don't feel like I belong here,' she whispered, leaning close to him. Dangerously close.

'You?' he asked. He was clearly way soberer than herself, she realized. She saw that he's not sure whether he wants to hear her story, but he was too polite and she was too brave, and she wanted to share her secret with him.

'I was born out of wedlock and that put a shame upon my family. Life always manages to remind me that I don't deserve a place in this world and that leaves a hole that no ovation can ever fill.'

Phineas looked for words when they heard some laughing over a side door. He left her there, hurried to the door.

When he came back, he requited the toast but after that Jenny felt that he avoided her, so she counted the minutes back until the end of the party.


	5. Chapter 5

The girls were still asleep. Phineas was looking for his green shawl. Charity sat on the bed and she was talking without taking a breath.

'First, it was buying the house on the same street as my parents', then meeting the Queen, then bringing Jenny Lind, and my father the other night... When will that ever be enough for you?'

He looked up. He knew that she was worried and anxious about his travel, so he tried to answer as patiently as he could.

'I'm doing this for Caroline and Helen.'

'Look around you, they have everything!' she claimed. At any other moment, he'd have tried to comfort her, but he was sleepy and nervous.

'You don't understand.'

'I do understand,' she replied.

'No, you don't understand! How could you.' He knew that he was mainly angry because he didn't want to part in anger, but on the other hand - really, how could she understand Caroline's disappointment after the ballet performance as he did? She had every opportunity, all the doors open for her. ‘She, no matter how I love her,’ he thought, ‘has no idea what it is like to grow up facing closed doors all the time.’ What he did was to ensure that their daughters had open doors, and he finally seemed to get close to that with the tour.

'I was treated like dirt. My father was treated like dirt. My children won't let be.'

Charity looked sad, and he knew that it was all about the tour, and no matter what they say it would have ended up like this anyway. He knew that they were both scared deep down by the thought of letting go of each other for long months, and they were even more scared of the changes it might bring to their life.

'You don't need everyone to love you, Phin'. Just a few good people,' she said gingerly.

'I know that,' he said, with a sudden sadness overwhelming him.

***

As Phineas opened the door of the carriage, Jenny felt her stomach tightening, her gaze flew at his face and scanned the worry on it. For a moment she thought that Phineas has changed his mind, that he wants to cancel the tour, but when he looked at her, he smiled warmly again, he jumped in and sat down. He chose to sit next to Jenny, instead of sitting opposite her. She couldn't help holding her breath as their shoulders met.

'Hi,' Phineas said.

'Hi,' she answered. She spotted a small leaf on the collar of his coat, and she was grateful for the nature for dropping it there as she had an excuse to touch his chest to remove the leaf, even if she barely brushed her fingertips against the fabric.

She could not ignore the look Phineas gave him on her first night on stage in New York. Despite all she tried, she couldn't forget about it and what is worse, she couldn't stop thinking about it. And it happened the following day again. And again. And again and again, on every single concert she gave so far, he stood behind the curtains and looked at her like that.

She thought she could handle those gentle emotions which grew stronger and stronger in her during the journey from Europe to America. She knew Phineas admired her, but there hasn't been anything more until the first concert. They were colleagues. Friends, to say the most.

On the first concert it changed, the awful miracle happened. Jenny saw in Phineas' eyes what she longed to see on the nights when she laid in her cabin sleepless, with tears in her eyes. His look, maybe it wasn't loving, but it was a sign for her that she could get him. Maybe she already had his heart. Partially it made her elated. On the other hand, it scared her.

She could cope with her thoughts. She could cope with her wishes. She could cope with her own feelings. At least as long as Phineas didn't look at her like that.

She was scared and ashamed and thrilled. She never wanted anything so much - Phineas' eyes on her, him being close to her, even just touching her elbow. And then she began to want more. She caught herself imagining touching his face. His fingers brushing her hair. His kiss on her lips - and there she halted, terrified of herself.

She was born in a Christian country, brought up by a deeply religious mother. Her first sin was that she was born out of marriage, and she hadn't collected many more. She was scared of her own thoughts - how could she even just think about it? Not only she wasn't married to him, but he had a family. So she decided to do everything to stop this - whatever "this" meant.

But then there was Phineas. His kindness, his smiles and his nature - and that way he looked at her when she sang, and these slowly, very slowly and despite all her efforts seemed to make the fear fade and suppressed the feeling of shame.

She thought a lot about Charity and Caroline and Helen, she thought about Charity almost as much as she did about Phineas. She sometimes thought about her with envy  - she's married to Phineas and he is so fond of her, but mostly she thought about her sadly - if anything ever happened between herself and Phineas - what would she do? She was kind - Jenny only met her few times and always just briefly, but she was one of the kindest persons in this world, she thought, - and Phineas and her family meant everything to her. Jenny wanted her to be happy, she knew Charity deserved happiness. But once again, all the walls, all the determination vanished away as she glanced at him during a concert.

She was more excited for the tour than she has ever been for anything. There was fear, of course, not knowing what can happen between Phineas and her, but her happiness covered her doubts. Phineas' company is only hers, she'll have all his attention - for months! Her steps wanted to dance, her heart wanted to sing, her breath wanted to laugh.

She bought clothes, something she had never really cared about before. She could wear the same few modest white dresses for years, while the ladies of Europe did not wear a gown more than once or twice a year. She didn't bother about fashion, and since she didn't have friends, she rarely met anyone more than once.

However, all of a sudden she felt the urge to buy gowns and gloves and hats and shoes and coats. She spent hours walking around New York and examining show-windows and spent days with dressmakers.

There they were, finally, in the carriage, ready to start the tour. She heard the girls running down the stairs and she saw Charity from the corner of her eye and shame flooded her mind and she pulled her hand back like she had touched fire, holding the little leaf between her fingertips, the fingertips that barely touched Phineas' coat. She held the leaf hesitatingly, then Phineas said something that made her laugh and once again her walls were broken down.

These moments, when she froze in the move or when she forgot to finish her sentences as shame, which was always lurking around, jumped at her throat, these moments became rarer as they got further and further away from New York. They became comfortable in each other's presence as they spent days in carriages and on trains. City after city passed by, they were always greeted with excitement and got many ovations until their farewell. They spent the days of the travel with talking, the evenings with a glass of champagne and laughing. When Phineas fall asleep, she remained in silence, she remained with her thoughts and the blackness shining on the other side of the window. She knew that the situation was unbearable, but she couldn't make herself to do anything against it. She thought about Phineas. Then she thought about Charity. No real thoughts, more like floating pictures: a gesture, a voice, colours, sounds. Then she tried to think about her feelings, but all the half-sentences in her mind ended up in an uncontrollable chaos filled with nothing but desperate emotions. She didn't cry, and she wiped away those few teardrops that somehow escaped her eyes. She wanted Phineas to comfort her, but he was sleeping. She longed for a long hug to feel safe, to feel loved - but Phineas never hugged her. So after a long, hesitating moment she carefully and gently laid her head on his shoulder, and she finally felt calm, feeling his breathing, inhaling his scent, hearing his heartbeat.


	6. Chapter 6

Phineas didn't even hear the words of the article Jenny was reading aloud to him. He loved when she read for him. He lost in his thoughts, all he could pay attention to was how her excitement shone through her voice, her barely noticeable laughs on her breath. He wondered that after all these years of success she still relies on the confirmation of the press. He didn't have to look at her, he knew exactly how she tilted her head, in what shape did her hair flow around her shoulders, how did the corner of her lips curl upwards when she read something she liked. He felt the radiance of the young woman sitting on the couch next to him so much that he even knew she was barefoot, - she liked being barefoot, and somehow it always made him imagine a Swedish forest with mist and tall trees, - he knew the way she held the paper, the exact position of her fingers, only by sitting next to her and listening to her voice as she read aloud the article, and although he knew the colour of her eyes by heart, its clearness struck him when their eyes met as Jenny finished reading and looked at him. She was full of joy. Barnum realized that he should say something.

'I mean, -' he said.

'The world at our feet.' Jenny smiled and stood up to pour champagne. 'Well, Mr Barnum, this is - ' Phineas still tried to gather his thoughts. He wondered for a moment whether he was possibly in love, but he decided that this was a stupid thought. They were friends. He enjoyed the company of her, but it was a nonsense that seeing her walking back to the couch with the two glasses in hand, barefoot, would remind him of the imagined peaceful forest in a foreign country.

' - to making dreams come true.' She finished her sentence and drag Phineas back to reality as she sat down again, facing the man.

'Thank you, Jenny,' he said, not sure though, whether he thanked for the champagne, the tour, the popularity, their friendship, or only for sitting next to him on the couch this afternoon. He was about to take a sip from the champagne when he felt her intense gaze on him. His eyes met hers, and her eyes were too close, too close to think about anything else like she had put the evening star in his hands. Her eyes wandered to his lips, but she didn't lean any closer. The unspoken question of hers hanging in the air reached his mind and left him confused. 'We're friends' - Phineas thought, - 'no, not friends, just colleagues.' But mostly he couldn't think clearly. Something from his chest told him to kiss her, to not let the miracle of the moment disappear.

He hesitated for too long. A flash of painful sadness seemed to cross her face, her eyes, as she looked into his again, couldn't conceal it. A face appeared in Phineas' mind with the same painful look, and a second later he realized with confusion, that it was Charity's. He looked at Jenny as he had just woken up from a dream. 

'It's two hours 'till curtain,' he mumbled.

'I've given you the world, haven't I?' The words seemed very distant. Now everything seemed so simple: he just wanted to go back to New York to his family. The tour can go on without him.

'I -, I should go,' he said. 'I have become a distraction. Sorry, Jenny.'

***

A distraction? What?

'No,' she cried. A distraction! He's everything but a distraction to her. 

'You should finish the tour without me.' His words slapped her with icy stone-hands.

'What? You're leaving?'

'Well, the itinerary is well in hand.'

'So that's it.' She shook her head in disbelief. She felt eternally stupid for assuming that Phineas - that anyone could ever love her. And now she was about to lose him for forever.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'I'm just another one of your little acts,' she whispered and ignoring his confused look she got up, slammed the glass on the table and hurried out.

'Jenny, - ' he called, but she broke him off.

'I'm done,' she stated.

'Jenny! Jenny, please.' She turned around and faced Phineas' worried look. Her heart wanted to break out of her chest. 'You have to finish the tour.'

So that's what that worried face is for, of course. The tour. The show. Nothing else, ever.

'Must I?' She wondered how Charity can survive with this man.

'It will ruin me.'

She looked him in the eye and realised that he doesn't get it. He still doesn't get it.

'When you're careless with other people, Mr Barnum, you bring ruin upon yourself.'

She slipped out of the room with tears running down on her cheeks before he could have answered.


	7. Chapter 7

The one in Cincinnati was the worst concert she's ever given.

She doesn't really remember it. It's a blur.

She felt nauseous, she never knew which song was to come next, she stood frozen on the stage. She lost all sense of time, barely realized when she was to sing and when she was to bow. Only the routine kept her through the evening.

The last song was "Never Enough". Her blurred mind became clearer. 'This song is for you, Barnum.' Then an inner voice replied: 'it is your own dirty stupid fault.' She ran out of breath in the middle of the line.

And there he stood, at the edge of the curtain. She could hardly believe that those eyes were the same as the ones on all the way to here from New York. The adoring, wondering, (even loving, damn it) look was replaced by a look heavy with blame and disapproval.

She flung out her arm towards him, as every night before. He started to walk towards her without a moment of hesitation. 'I am his belonging,' she thought, 'after all.' As he came closer, with every step of his, a thought arose in her, more defined than any of her thoughts in the preceding hours.

Yes, it could ruin him. It could ruin her as well, but she didn't really care about herself anymore. He crushed her self-respect, the only thing that got her through the shame others put on her. She couldn't care about shame anymore.

He stepped next to her.

'Thank you,' he said.

He thought he got away with it? That she'd continue the tour now, without him?

With that one short dishonest sentence, he filled her head with anger. She wanted to destroy.

***

She ran off the stage. She had to get out of the building before the press does. Or Phineas follows her. She didn't think he would. Tears were running down on her face as she rushed across the badly lit narrow backstage corridors. She got out. The icy air slapped her. She hurried to the carriage in waiting. ‘To the hotel!’ As fast as possible. Her gown become creased, her hair broke out of the perfect bun, her makeup was washed off by her tears, but it felt alright. She thought it mirrored her mood pretty well. She opened the window of the cart and the cold wind swept over her face. Her lips were burning.

The cart stopped at the hotel entrance, a servant immediately opened the door. She stormed up to her apartment. 'A bottle of champagne,' she ordered before she slapped the door behind her.

She sat down on the floor and looked around. Nothing changed since the afternoon, only that the curtains were pulled in. It was unbearable. She didn't cry anymore. She didn't feel anything. A knock on the door. She heard as the champagne was put down on the table next to the door. 'I don't want any visitors tonight,' she said to the servant.

'Yes, Ma'am.'

He left. The door closed. She went for the champagne, it was in a bucket of ice, four glasses next to it. All on a shiny silver tray. She picked up the bottle and one of the glasses, went to the couch, put them on the coffee table, then went to the bathroom, washed her face, came back. She was feeling numb. She was standing in the middle of that enormous, luxurious room, all alone, out of place.

She would have given him everything. Everything a woman can give to a man, and more. She gave him her name. She gave him her voice. She gave him her face, her life, her personality. She made his name known all around the New World.

And he threw her away. Humiliated her. He-

The champagne glass, which she picked up unconsciously, cracked in her hand. She put it down before it would hurt her.

She was wandering around the apartment, trying to keep her thoughts away from herself. She changed her dress, freed herself from the corset and secretly hoped that it would decrease the pain. She put her hand in the ice of the champagne until it began to hurt. She opened up the champagne, but before she could have poured from it the smell of it made her stomach turn as it triggered a rush of memories. His hazel eyes so close on the couch. The parties after the opening concerts in every town. His wide smile. His touch on her arm, the gentle grip of his hand, his voice, his scent. The sound of breath when he fell asleep next to her on the long train trips. The feeling of belonging. His kiss. His confused breath against her lips. How he pulled apart. How he avoided looking into her eyes.

The smell of the champagne filled the small bathroom as she slowly poured the whole bottle into the bathtub.

She was still sitting on the edge of the bathtub hours later, drown in the bits of memories that were swirling in her head and listening to the sounds from the corridor. Preparations were being made for Phineas' departure.


	8. Chapter 8

She sat by her daughters' beds until they fell asleep. She washed the soot out of their clothes and her hair. It was well past two in the morning when Charity went to bed.

She closed her eyes. Her head was aching of tiredness. She tried to think about something happy and peaceful. A field full of flowers, for example. The day they painted the bedrooms, all the family together in their previous home. Caroline was only three. The shore near her parents' house.

She drifted into the sweet peace of sleeping.

_ Phineas runs into the fire. Her scream is inaudible in the roar of the flames. The building collapses. _

Her eyes flung open. She turned on her other side. She thought about the cool breeze of the sea to calm down.

_ Helen is struck in the circus building. She waves through a window in panic. Caroline runs towards the building. She tries to move, but she cannot. She can't scream. _

She turned the lights on and laid back on the bed. Her eyes were burning with tiredness.

_ Phineas runs into the fire. Caroline and Helen cry and run after him. Phillip is shouting. He runs into the fire. Lettie follows him. And then Anne, and W.D. and all the others. Even O'Malley runs into the building. The roof collapses with a crack. She can't move her legs. A carriage arrives and a woman steps out of it. Jenny looks her in the eyes with her stunning cool blue gaze, then hurries towards the building which is roaring and the flames grow bigger and bigger until they reach the sky. Jenny steps on the stairs of the circus. And finally Charity can scream, and she's screaming and screaming and screaming -  _

She was screaming. She sat up on the bed and blinked confusedly in the bright light.

She boiled some milk and drank it. She didn't try to go back to sleep, just sat in one of the leather sofas in the dark and waited for Phineas to come home. He may not come home until morning, she thought. She let the pictures swirl in her mind as she was too exhausted to concentrate on any of them.

'Anne - no, she got out of the fire. Everyone got out. Where are they going to live now? Do we have enough money to restart the circus? They could live in our villa for some time, some of them at least. Phillip - oh my, he's in the hospital. What if -? No, he'll make it through. He must. Why did Phineas come home early from the tour? Will Phillip survive? No, don't even think about that he might-. So, so Phineas? Is he alright? Did he miss me this much? Really? Why is he not home yet? Oh, yes the fire -,' and so her thoughts bounced in her head until the sky began to lighten up.

It was still early in the morning when she heard some noise from the entrance door. 'It must be Phineas,'- she thought and sighed in relief. She hurried towards the door, but, oh no, it was only the morning post. The letters and newspapers were waiting in a neat pile on the corner of the table. She sat down and began to sort them out. Her heart jumped at the fourth letter. She would recognise this envelope anywhere, anytime - a notice from the bank. She hesitated, as she had opened up every letter that came for her husband while he was on tour, but now she should just leave it to him. On the other hand, Phin was still out somewhere and he might not comes home until the evening. She shouldn't let him be concerned about this then. She got up to find the letter opener, but she only took a few steps when she started crying. She was tired, so tired, not just physically but mentally, not just because of that night but also because of the previous months. Doing everything alone. The stress, the loneliness. She tried to stop crying, but she was sobbing more and more. Suddenly all the weight of her life came on her shoulders. Always being worried about Phineas' new and daring ideas. Being happy and always looking happy around people - she's never realised before how tiring it was. Being a wife and being a woman - not being able to go anywhere, to do anything, to work, to libraries, to go out alone in general, to meet interesting people, to build friendships that go beyond talking about the latest fashion and the fresh rumours on parties...

She wanted to feel alive. She has a good life, she reminded herself but it was implausible at that moment. She dropped the letter and curled into a sofa. She wanted Phineas to be there.

After she calmed down, she decided to leave the letter on the floor and make some breakfast for herself.

Only when she sat down at the table with a cup of tea, her toast and a boiled egg did she remember the post, as she got used to reading the newspaper during breakfast while Phineas was on tour. On her way to the table where the letters and the newspaper stood in a pile she picked up the bank's letter from the floor and returned to her breakfast with it and the New York Herald.

She opened the letter and read it through. Then she read it again. She couldn't believe the words. Her hands were shaking. 'Could Phineas...? Without asking her?' She hoped for a few seconds that it is only a mistake, but when she read it again - she knew half of the words by heart already - she knew it wasn't a mistake of the bank. She knew Phineas loaned money from the bank for the tour. A lot of money. And the insurance - it wasn't only the circus, then. Especially now that it's burned down. She stood up, leaving her breakfast untouched on the table, already listing in her mind the things she should pack. Where would they go? Well, Phineas might be able to find a small flat that they can rent. They'll find someplace for sure.

Thinking calmed her down a bit. She knew that it'd be pointless to wake the girls up, it wasn't even seven o'clock yet, only to pack their clothes and toys. It can wait an hour more. She can wait until Phineas comes home and they discuss it.

Still, she felt betrayed as she looked at the letter in her plate, on top of her toast. She thought that at least Phineas trusted her enough, he found her clever enough to discuss such things with her.

She threw the letter out of her plate and sipped her tea. She took the newspaper in hand which she clumsily threw upside-down on the table before. She hoped that it may distract her thoughts a bit from the bank and Phineas.

And Phineas - Phineas was on the front page as she folded out the paper. Her eyes widened. Phineas. Kissing. Jenny. Lind. Her eyes looked for the headline: "Jenny Lind quits". She looked at the picture again. Her whole world collapsed in a second. "The Barnum scandal", stated the title under the picture. She tried to read the article but her eyes always wandered back to Phineas' face on the paper. It triggered a rush of memory - the first concert. She managed to convince herself that there wouldn't be anything between Phin and Jenny - but there it is, black and white on the paper. She couldn't cry anymore, not as much as she wanted to, but her head ached and she breathed heavily and there might have been tears but maybe she just stared into the air - she couldn't tell, she somehow lost all abilities to sense her surrounding or even her own acts properly. Everything seemed painfully new around her, her thoughts ended up unfinished, everything was messy and way too clear at the same time. After some time a servant appeared then left quickly then someone tried to give her a glass of water politely but firmly. She couldn't speak, couldn't recognise the face, so she just took the glass and drank a few sips. Her mind started to function. She heard someone was talking about calling a doctor. She shook her head - she didn't want a doctor.

'Buy every paper,' she said to the people around her. They started chatting, someone hurried out.

After some time she remembered the letter from the bank and realised that she can't wait for Phineas to come home and that there's only one place on Earth where she can go with her daughters - her parents' house. She promised herself that she'd never go back there, but there was no other option. She got up and started to pack a suitcase.

***

That evening they stood next to each other on the shore.

'I brought hardship on you and our family. You warned me, and I wouldn't listen.' Phineas couldn't decide whether it was really the end or the tearful Charity would ever be so good to forgive him. He knew that he didn't deserve her forgiveness. 'I just, I wanted to be more than I was.'

'I never wanted anything but the man I fell in love with,' she replied.

They knew each other as much as they had been the same person. Their hug was a promise, a promise of forgiveness, of trust, of love.


	9. Chapter 9

Charity put the girls to bed and gave them their goodnight kisses. She went to the window then, to pull in the curtains, and peered out, towards the Manhattan port, to see the coloured lights painting the clouds over the rooftops, and imagined Phineas there, in the middle of the circus floor. She stayed there for a few minutes, pressing her forehead against the cold glass, then pulled in the curtains and left the room. She was happy that as Phillip restarted the circus, they soon had enough money to move back to their house. As she entered the corridor, she heard the main door opening. She went to the top of the staircase, and although she still couldn't see the visitor from that point, she could hear them.

'Good evening, Ma'am,' said Jacob, the footman.

'I would like to see Mr Barnum. My name is Jenny Lind.'

Her heartbeats fastened. ‘What on Earth is she doing here?’ She thought.

'He is not home, Ma'am.'

'Then I'd like to see Mrs Barnum.'

'I'll inform her in a minute. Please, follow me to the drawing room.'

Charity closed her eyes, listening to their steps until the sound faded away. Just not this. Not Jenny Lind, after all of this. Anyway, she took a deep breath and went down the stairs. The footman came to her and said that Miss Lind is waiting for her in the drawing room. She nodded, her knees were trembling. After Jacob left the great hall, she quickly looked in the mirror, fixed her hair - ‘Why do I even bother with this?’ - and, her heart rushing, she entered the drawing room. She thought Jenny must have heard her footsteps, for she jumped up and turned to the door as Charity entered the room. Jenny’s marvellous red hair was whirling around her.

'Good evening, Miss Lind.'

***

'Good evening, Miss Lind.' Charity looked at Jenny, worryingly, her eyes filled with suppressed anger.

'Mrs Barnum -'

'You can't call me like that. Charity, please,' she slapped.

'Charity,' Jenny sighed, 'I owe you an apology. There is no excuse for what I did to your family.' Charity just stood there, her face like a mask, her otherwise so joyful eyes like made of marble, so cool. Jenny felt her body trembling, her pulse quickening.

'I should have never kissed Phineas.' Suddenly it just all started to flow into words, all the pain of the past months. 'He didn't do anything. Nothing happened between us. I just, I...' She couldn't stand Charity’s burning eyes, but she couldn't look away either. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered. 'Your family means the world to me.'

Long seconds of silence passed by, Jenny was trying to hold her tears back, and then Charity, still looking straight into her eyes, started to speak.

'There was a time when he only loved me.' Pain shined through every one of her words. 'I have never had better times, but he was unhappy. Then he got the museum, then the circus. He made the show. He went to Europe.' Jenny’s heart jumped. 'He forgot about me, about his family. The show became everything for him. And I let him do it because I haven't seen him being happier before.' She paused for a few moments, 'And then the tour. When he came home, I didn't bear to see him. But he came back to me. He is coming back to us. Within a month Carlyle will be the ringmaster. He'll come back to the girls, and he's happy about it.' She spoke slowly, carefully choosing the words. 'Whatever you have done, you brought him back to me. I never thought it'd be possible.' Charity silenced, and they both looked away, escaping each other's gaze.

Then Charity walked closer. Jenny looked at her. She didn't look sad or vulnerable anymore. She was the self-confident Charity, her gaze bright and shining, her beautiful lips curling into a faint smile.

'Thank you.' She said. She took another step towards Jenny. She started at Charity, unable to move or to say anything. Charity continued, barely audible.

'I can understand that he went on tour with you.'

'And I that he came back to you.'

She cupped Jenny’s cheeks and pressed her lips to the corner of hers. A million of emotions rose to the nightingale’s chest, and as Charity pulled back Jenny grabbed the other woman’s dress at her hips and pulled her back into a kiss and through her lips, she kissed Barnum too.

When they parted, Jenny felt panic running through her body. ‘What have I done?’ She froze and looked at Charity. She smiled, so brightly no one else can, every inch of her face and her body sparkling with this wide smile.  ‘Wonderful Charity, she had never wanted to fit in for anybody, she broke down every limit without a second thought, made by classes to which I and Phineas tried to fit in during our whole lifetime. She was not only brave but had more freedom than any of us ever dared to get,’ she thought looking into the warm eyes.

Charity smiled back patiently as her fingers played with a lock of red hair beside Jenny’s neck.


	10. Chapter 10

By the time he came home, Charity was in the bed, reading a novel.

'Good evening, Mrs Barnum,' he said playfully and kissed her forehead.

'Phineas, finally.' She smiled at him, and he couldn't stop himself from smiling back. He washed his face in the bathroom and changed his clothes. He expected Charity to put the lights off till he comes back, but she was sitting on the bed.  She had already put down her book, and she was watching him as he sat down with her eyes serious and wide.

'Is everything alright?' He touched her hand and smiled at her. Worry rushed over him.

'Jenny was here tonight.'

'Jenny Lind?' He pulled back his hand unconsciously. They listened to the silence for a few moments, the name still hanging in the air.

'She came to apologise.'

'We should talk about it.' They said at the exact same time, but this time they couldn't laugh about it. 'You never let me explain this. I know it's awful... I know it hurts you. It hurts me too,' he said. He looked at the sleepy flames in the fireplace as he continued. 'It's so difficult to explain because I don't understand it either. She... Oh, Charity, I could never leave you, not for a minute! And I didn't leave you, and no matter how marvellous and angel-like Jenny was, I always saw you in her eyes, in her moves... And yes, damn it, I was in love with her,' he split out the words with self-hatred, but he couldn't lie to Charity. 'She's so different from you, so shy and insecure, but hell, she is so much like you.' He buried his face in his palms.

'Phineas...'

He felt so miserable. Why did he have to ruin everything? Why cannot he let go of the singer, even after months? Why does he hurt dear Charity again?

'Charity, you mean the world to me,' he sobbed, but he wasn't ashamed, not with Charity, about his tears. He was deeply ashamed of his deeds, though. 'When she tried to kiss me I, - I almost kissed her back, but then... I love you so much.'

'Phineas, please...'

'Forgive me. I am so sorry. I wish I could give a perfect life to you.'

'Phineas, stop this! It's alright. Hey, hey, calm down. It's alright.' He felt her palm on his back. 'No, it's not alright,' he answered. He sat up straight and looked at her. 'I should have - '

'Phin! She was here to apologise. She wanted to speak to you. In fact, I'm sure she's still in love with you and I'm sorry that it all happened as it happened between you two, between you and me. She was regretful and broken. Now I feel sorry for her because we have each other, and she only had you, us, here in America.'

'Not just in America. She doesn't really have a family, I think, or at least not more than you have your parents.' He sighed. Her eyes, it would be so much easier if he could forget those ice blue eyes.

'So that's where all that pain comes from. When she sings.' Charity said quietly.

'You haven't heard her in Cincinnati.' He laid on the bed. 'Is she going back to Europe?'

'Yes, soon. She's staying in New York for only about a week.'

'Do you know in which hotel is she? I should visit her if she wanted to speak with me. Of course only if you don't mind it.'

'No, you should see her. Actually, I invited her for breakfast tomorrow.'

He sat up, surprised.

'And she'll come?'

'Yes, she was very happy.'

His heart beat quickly.

'Charity, I think I'm still in love with her a bit,' he whispered.

'Phineas, I want to tell you something. I kissed her,' she said.

***

She had to tell him, there was no other option. She didn't mind telling him about it for she has told him everything since she was a little girl. His eyes widened in surprise.

'You did... What?'

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry if that makes you sad, or confused, or disappointed...' She began to feel very regretful about it because he looked deeply shocked.

'No, it's alright I guess,' he said, his words faltering.

'Phineas.' She held his hand in hers and waited until he looked into her eyes. 'You don't have to do this. I know it's unfair to you. I'm sorry. I truly am. I know that I was furious when I saw the photo of her kissing you. I love you, and I promise that I... It won't happen again, nor anything like this. I know how you feel, and I'm sorry.'

'I can understand. I know how difficult it is not to kiss her. I love her too. It's just... What are we going to do tomorrow?'

They looked at each other in complete puzzlement. Then she started to laugh, she didn't even know the reason why she just couldn't stop laughing.

'What?' Phineas asked, and she just laughed, more and more freely and happily.

'What is it, Charity?' Phineas asked, and he started to laugh as well. He pulled her closer, she laid her head on his chest, and they laughed. It was good to have him, there, with her. Laughing, like they did when they were children.

She could answer only a few minutes later.

'We're going to tell her, right? That we're both - ' she had to laugh again, 'that we're both in love with her. Right?' She turned my head around to look at his face.

'Yes, I suppose.' He smiled at her with his wonderful wide smile, even his warm, dark eyes were smiling. She sat up and kissed him, then he kissed her back. They laid on the bed, pulled the blanket over their head, like a tent. They smiled at each other in the dim light, their faces only a few inches away, until they fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

Jenny spent most of the night wide awake lying on her double bed in the New York Hotel. She tried to find explanations and reasons, but they didn't come.

In the last weeks, she sat by the window for days in complete silence. A servant showed up now and then and brought up breakfast, lunch and dinner. Then she visited some orphanages and hospitals but despite the fact that she always used to sing a few songs on occasions like that to the children or to the ill, this time she didn't. She didn't even practise singing, although she knew well that it'd take at least a month to get back to the peak of her skills after such a long hiatus.

She tried to familiarize with the thought that she'll probably never be loved by anyone and that she, most certainly, will never get married. She turned thirty just after she arrived in the States.

She tried to finish it, she couldn't go on and live with it without seeing Phineas once more and apologising. She was ready to be kicked out, to be shouted at, to be banned from the neighbourhood. She was ready for cool politeness, she was ready for Charity's tears. She needed their reaction, their punishment to be able to move on.

She wasn't excepting the one thing that happened.

No one yet made her feel like Phineas did, but then there was Charity, who she felt about a bit differently, but just as strongly. She made her feel the most beloved person on Earth.

And tomorrow... The next morning felt like a granite wall, whenever she tried to think about anything else her thoughts knocked back to Charity and Phineas and Charity and Phineas.

She hoped something from that morning. She didn't know what. Something that solves everything, that clarifies the past months to all of them.

Although she knew exactly what she can expect. Awkward polite small talk, then after an hour or two she excuses herself to all of their reliefs and five days later she steps aboard and never looks back at the continent, and the Barnums never mention her name again.

But Charity just didn't fit into the picture.

Anything can happen next morning.

***

Eight o'clock.

Jenny ran through some handy excuses in her mind to skip the breakfast. However, she imagined Charity's disappointment and decided to go, whatever it may take. She recalled when Charity posed the question to her guardedly whether she'd come for breakfast tomorrow while they sat on the couch and she was gingerly stroking Jenny's jawline with her fingertips, and when she replied with 'yes' without a second of hesitation Charity's eyes brightened up.

 

She stepped out of the carriage maybe even more nervously than the night before. Charity opened the door with a smile and invited her in.

Phineas stood at the staircase and was looking at her with an unreadable expression on his face. Jenny froze after the first two steps.

'Phi-, Mr Barnum,' she mumbled.

'Jenny,' he nodded with a cool smile. She stared at him for a few seconds before she could tear her gaze away.

The breakfast went better than she expected since Helen and Caroline quickly overcame their shyness and asked about a hundred questions from their guest, such as whether she preferred giraffes to penguins, or whether she'd prefer the mermaids' tale to be pink or lilac, and Jenny answered all the questions to her best knowledge while trying to read the Barnum parents' expressions. After breakfast, Charity told the girls to go and play then looked at her husband and at Jenny and lightheartedly suggested a walk in the garden. Jenny nodded nervously and they walked out to the back of the garden.

Phineas broke the silence.

'So, Jenny, we'd like to be honest with you. There had been too many secrets and things that were left unsaid and it seemed to only complicate our lives,' he began, but then he hesitated and the sentence remained unfinished.

'Oh, just do it then,' Jenny snapped and stepped closer to him. 'Just say what you want, really. You don't have to be gentle with me. Be honest.' She thrust her chin forward and looked him in the eye. Charity gasped as she realised that the other woman was ready for Phineas to slap her.

'You're clever Jenny, you know that I loved you and in fact, I still do, and it's just as much my fault. I know I caused you many difficulties and I'd like to apologise,' Phineas said in a low voice.

'You "caused me many difficulties"? Phineas, I destroyed your life. Both of yours. You think I don't know that you lost your house because of me? That you lost all your wealth? I can't even imagine how much else you lost.' I glanced at Charity. 'I regretted it so many times, so so many times. I am awfully sorry. I know that there's no way I can make it up to you, what I did is unforgivable.' She took a deep breath. 'So why do you apologise to me? Why?'

'Because we want to let go of the past,' Charity answered after a pause.

'Jenny, we're both in love with you,' said Phineas.

Jenny stepped back and stared at them. They looked back at her expectantly.

'What?' she giggled.

'We thought... We hoped you might feel in a similar way,' explained Charity. 'But we understand if you do not,' she added quickly.

Jenny stared at them in silence with an expression of fear and disbelief.

'So?' asked Phineas.

Jenny shook her head, tears filled her eyes. She didn't know the answer. It would've been so easy to say no and walk out of the garden and get on that ship and go back to Europe but then what? She felt regret immediately, just by the thought of it. She knew that she didn't love anyone as much as these two in the past decade or so.

'I love you. I love you both,' she whispered, wiping off her tears. 'But I'm not sure if I can - '

'You can.' Phineas smiled at her with his brightest smile and hugged her. Jenny buried her face in his chest and felt her muscles ease in the warmth of his arms. Charity stepped next to them and kissed Jenny's cheek.

***

They spent the day together walking in the inner city of New York. Jenny and Charity found out how similar their education was and chatted about books, Phineas showed the attractions of the city for Jenny and took them to his favourite places in the city. Well, except the bars, as Helen and Caroline were also with them and they ran up and down between shop windows.

'Have you been to Daddy's circus?' asked Helen from Jenny.

'No, I haven't.' She smiled at Phineas.

'Oh, that's a good idea. What do you think, are there some tickets left?' Charity asked Phineas. 'If you'd like to, of course,' she said to Jenny.

'I'd very much like to.'

'We have a full house every evening, but I'm sure I can arrange it,' said Phineas enthusiastically.

***

Jenny felt just as much curiosity and excitement as the children around her as she entered the enormous circus tent with Charity and her daughters. Phineas reserved the best places for them. She was prepared for any scandalousness but when the music started and the dancers run out to the floor she leaned forward with sparkling eyes. Her heart followed the beat of the music which filled her with joy.

About an hour later Charity grabbed her wrist. Jenny tore her eyes away from the trapeze artists and looked at the other woman. Charity nodded towards the edge of the floor where Phineas talked with Phillip. Phineas gave him his top hat then soon run in the middle on the floor and went on with the show with a huge grin on his face.

A minute later Phineas appeared behind them.

'I'm all yours now.'

Charity smiled at him. 'Thank you.' She turned back and kissed Phineas. Then Phineas stepped behind Jenny and touched her face and just when darkness fell over the tent for a few seconds he kissed her on the lips. _It's everything you ever want, it's everything you ever need-_

'And it's here right in front of you,' sang Charity quietly.

Jenny smiled at Phineas and Charity. 'I think I'll stay in New York for a few more weeks.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you if you read it all, please let me know what you think by leaving kudos and comments!


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